That’s ok honey, Nah!! How can I be angry, life is one big patience test, and after all, you’re my wife isn’t it? I want you to be happy, but promise me you’ll always do it behind my back (ain’t no fun if you do it in front of me, aint it?) And my friend, you, who is doing my wife, no, listen to me, I am not angry, same, again, please don’t do it in front of me. I know things happen in life, anything can happen, may be you are bigger than me, and I know she likes it, I faked her in the bed few times. It’s ok, you don’t have to worry, I am still there for her whenever her gap needs to be all emotional and stuff, after all, you’re doing it with my wife, I know I owe this much to you. Don’t open your mouth baby, I haven’t lost respect, and I won’t be seeking a stop-gap, I cannot afford that, but if you ever doubted that love existed in this life—this is my gift to you (I know I am making a big fuss about it, I complicate things, I always do, I know I don’t really have much choice here too).

Back up bitch, oh!! I am so sorry (lemme not be all psycho and stuff here, I am really sorry, I mean, I mean I mean it, but I don’t want to say that). I am struggling with these thoughts juggling in my mind; it’s not that difficult, is it? After all, you are my wife, and I don’t have the balls to ask you whose you’re playing with. I request both of you, please clean the bathroom nice and clean, you can get as fucking dirty as you want to, but please not my bathroom, I brush my teeth there, and I have to open my mouth and nose there (excuse me there, but would you please mind telling your boyfriend to rub the seat of the toilet after he’s done?). And to you, yes, the toilet bugger, please don’t finish all my whisky when I am out, I have to be around longer than, you know, for what.

It’s December, you can keep her for the Christmas, anyways, we don’t have kids, so I don’t have to scratch my balls (oops) for that, and yeah, you can keep her for Valentines too, but I want to feel honorable on Saint Patrick’s day, so if you can spare her for a couple of hours, then I will buy you the best Hashbrowns in this world. Last week, I had to shred around $1600 because the health insurance didn’t cover for what you did to her, she may like it, but it hurts my ass, you’re a bro, Pl. ask me, and I’ll buy you some oil next time around, that’s way to less expensive at least. Both of you might think I am mentally challenged for writing all this to you, but I’m trying my best not to, it’s just that I am a rationalist and my utility function has coughed up few measures that I should, buy, for one, it might really be worth it!!

I am not cruel, am I? Ok, let me prove it you, there is a Vodka kept at the back of all the pile of bottles on top of the refrigerator, you can have that when you’re out of beer. And, hey, shy guy, don’t be shy, I have seen you banging her on the bathroom floor man, you’re the last person in the world that I expect to be working at the best-buy stores anywhere across America, you know why? Because I ain’t buying that from you anytime (hell yeah, I am going to start that shit beginning with because, don’t you think I am angry, because, I, used, SHIT).

BACK PROBLEMS: try a lap dance (doctors would never tell you that because they make money when you break backs’).

SEX PRobleMS: you can’t do much; change is the only truth…..

You can email me anytime for anything you think can cause a jitter to your relationship, my honeys illegal hubby: please buy her that four dollar lattes, I will pay for all that at the end of the month. So, slouch a little more, and bide a little more, if you think you can look a bit more sullen and reassure me that I am not with you this time…..

With love (don’t you doubt it)

My friend

Notes:

1. Speaker is a friend of mine, I don’t think he feels the same, I just approached the whole thing in a different fucksy manner.