Ok, so I am 29, I am curvy, BBW, and I have dated my share of jerks out there. I even fell in love once, whatever!! I am single again, and I am tired of working my way out just for fun, because I don’t play games. If I connect with someone, someone with whom I have chemistry…then I usually have sex with him. I want everything to work out from the beginning, short story long, I know, but catch them if you can:

• Ok, let’s do it. We have hooked up, No Condoms!! Ok, your shit may just become a rope, but that just means you’re lazy, you are thinking about having kids with me right? Lots of men have in the previous 10 years, nobody has succeeded, and I want to know whether you can put your heart in there. I know it is difficult to cum while wearing one, but I honestly don’t care (I am honest at least; you have to bow to that). You have a round ass girl wanting your dick inside her, giving you “that look”, and you can’t fight through a small piece of rubber? Dammit, just get over it man.
• Now stop thinking about that Condom again, seriously, you’re in the (zone) now, you are working out your shit, hmmm, not bad, stop pretending as if you’re a experienced porn-star, you don’t know what you’re doing, because I am getting it, just stick to basics, we can try making a film some other time.
• Don’t give me that ugly-cat-look when I ask for some lube, don’t get offended and don’t belittle your quasi-intellectualism. Rubber doesn’t churn out cream, it dries up everything, and you were a programmer? And a musician too? You don’t seem to have basic 9^th grade science concepts. You have no right to ask why am I not wet, I am doing well; some lube can do me no harm. Do I ask you why you eat Doritos when you’re having fish? We should always try to do better, it’s not about why? It’s about why not?
• I know you’re inquisitive-natured; I even thought that was hot when we went out at first. But, shit-head, you can’t just open your mouth and spit “what is that”. I am a female animal, I am hot, but I ain’t Adrian Lima A.KA perfect. Do I ask “what is that black-purple-orange thing?”
• Don’t try to be nice and stuff, you have me in the bed, you may have lied, you may have told me things that you aren’t, but this is not the time to correct them mother trucker, just fuck me for now, I’ll see how I can make it up to you later.
• Boobs can be sensitive depending on the season of the year, take it easy. I am not a radio, and don’t try to tune one. And hey, I am not your mother either, you know what I am mean right? Just try to remember that. Don’t uphold my boobies with your hands and try to imagine how they would look if they were not original. You are a fag aren’t you? You have full sized porcelain cups, and all you care about are the plastic ones? Can’t believe I am letting you fuck me.
• Your fingers are all good and all, I know, there’s nothing wrong with you, but sometimes I just want that dick. Don’t get me wrong, oral sex is the crutch I hold on to all the times, but I ain’t just in the mood, eat something before hand, but please don’t eat me, you know. FYI.
• Just pay attention as you do when you’re listening to your boss, don’t stop, don’t look here and there and just assume things. If I’m having a good meal, screaming, or moving, it means keep going, look for signs: my hands and legs will grip you, my open mouth, don’t be fooled by the sounds, I might just not be in for antics, just pay attention.
• I know you watch lots of porn, but it doesn’t work that way (just being clear if you aren’t experienced). Reverse cowgirl just isn’t my thing, it doesn’t work, and I will let you know few other things when I know something isn’t working. Yeah, just remembered, I don’t understand the finger licking, again, this ain’t the movies.
• Keep me looking at you, don’t stare at me as if you are winning a war for me (cos you aren’t), but try to smile, or just be serious, and keep looking at me. I can be lost in hysteria, and might forget where I am, so again…
• Don’t forget about the neck and ears, they are the last resort for seeking any pleasure during the “down” days.
• Sex can seem to be funny, after all human race is funny, people from another planet might look at us and wonder what we people do, I can get into those shoes, and I may laugh. It’s ok to laugh, you can laugh too. It can be anything isn’t it? The way we look in some position/angles, might be because we make weird noises, might be because we just think of some comedy show right in the middle, it is ok, but don’t let it get out of hand.
• It should be apparent that you are not supposed to poke around my ass. Grab it, feel it, pat it, and even slap it sometimes, but anything more is unacceptable, don’t even ask for it!!
• beware of asking for threesomes, I might ask for the Eiffel tower.
• Take it slowly man, always begin slowly, make me want it, make me beg for it, enjoy my desperation for a change—massage me, play with my ears, wedge my legs apart, one at a time, make me feel like a hot sandwich.
• Don’t be disappointed when I ask you if you’re tested. I enjoy sex as much as you do, I do fantasize, and yeah I watch that shit too, so don’t get offended, just tell me, I am just demanding safe sex.
• And when we are done humping, don’t start humming “and I’ll buy you a stairway to heaven”, you were a piss in bed; you couldn’t match any of the beats that you seem to be so fucking savvy about. I just didn’t tell you, at least respect that, and shut the fuck up”.
• Hmmm, and yeah, don’t expect me to scrounge for the Condoms when we are done, I don’t want our parents to find it someday when they decide to do us a favor by cleaning the house.

Sigh,  I feel good!!