I have been dreaming a lot lately, I mean really dreaming. Now I don’t keep a pen a notebook ready besides my bed to record what I dreamt last, but I do try to remember hard about the dream after I wake up. Being stung by rationality bee, trying to wake up in to a reason is not a bad dream at all, but sometimes, the dreams are really, really irrational.

Lots of the dreams are to do with what we experience during the previous day, previous days, and some previous events, we all know that from various studies and experiences. And then there are really crazy dreams like making out with wildebeest, dreaming inside a dream, being stuck in a new planet, so on…I had

Ok, don’t believe it, but I am writing this inside a dream. I have got up, I don’t know that I am dreaming (because you don’t realize till you get up), but I know that this is not written in the real, because I am going find out the same (that this is written in a dream) first thing when I wake up; self-delusion of a dog who suddenly has to stop screwing right away, because he was doing it in the middle of the road (of course, I think dogs are really happy creatures).

… Still dreaming

“This is outright lie, how can you write something inside a dream, still remember that you are dreaming, and then also remember the dream inside a dream that you dreamt?”

So I decided to create a dreaming-or-not-reasoning test for myself, still inside the dream.

“How do you operate a scissor with one handle broken?” I would hold it with one hand

“Are you into creative writing?” “No I just say that because saying “I write” is to seek more explanations

“Do you save a cigarette for the morning-pooping?” I save two

“What is tequila made of?” extracted from skin of an animal from Africa

“North Indian or south Indian?” I don’t like spicy food.

“Lying to yourself or lying to others?” I get a kick from both

“Status or life” it doesn’t matter.

So it turns out that I passed the exam created by me inside the dream inside a dream.

I was looking for really irrational answers, and I got them, irrationality won and by a large margin. So is choosing irrationality for winning a kind of rational decision-making?

Not really, killing fear of a snake might cancel out overestimation of one’s dodging abilities, insensible decision making will win you battles where you got to be insensible, yes, nowhere else.

I thought to myself, I thought this is going to be the end of the dream, I am going to wake up, and…you still don’t believe that I am writing this inside the dream, do you? Or now you think I am high? Common man it is 6 in the morning, and it is the highest REM hour, and I know that I am inside a dream, how can I be inebriated inside a dream?

So I am out of the first second one now, I quickly tested myself by asking “Krittika or Vartika?” “I love you Avantika”. I was taken aback, I don’t even know Avantika, but yes, I got the answer, I was out of the second dream, I had already found lots of reasons for that.

“So what is your point dude?” –I think insensibility has nothing to do with being sensible.

At this point I have convinced myself in the dream that I am dreaming as I write this. I don’t remember much of reality as I write this, because the world out here is very different, I mean this instance is really different, there is nothing here to feel, there is a dark room, a computer and a chair in front on which I am sitting. I don’t even have memory, experiences, and influences, just free for nothing so to say. My memory is so fleeting that I cannot remember the next thought when it comes and previous thoughts are deleted as soon as I think them. So if you feel that whatever I am typing is disconnected, –It’s ok, because it has to be so in this state of mine.

Right now if a female genie comes in front of me and offers unlimited grants (I know what you’re thinking), I don’t know what I’ll ask from her. I can remember glimpses of reality, which is how I know that this is inside the reality, but not reality, or is it? I thought to myself in the dream. May be I have summoned up this computer and table in the dream and asked the dream not to disturb me. May be, after all this is the world that I always used to dream about in “reality”. Do you find these thoughts to be counterfactual? Even I had an inner voice saying, “You need to define the boundaries between reality and dream.” In an attempt to find do so, I tied an electromagnetic arm-band around my hand, I thought there should be some difference in the readings of the meters when I am switching between the states, but there were no reading-differences. A bit of change in grammar, “I can’t see any differences right now”. No, this isn’t a case of self-delusion either, I need more references to evaluate the differences, but right now I am in a perfect world, and here there aren’t any references. So I thought I’d summon up someone close I know –my sister, I miss her here. In a strange realization of events, I found out that I couldn’t summon her here; anybody who can make me understand the difference between the boundaries of the world would not be allowed here. That has compounded my troubles, and in a way also eased my quest to find the truth, because I don’t have to feel obliged, even under the influence of some external source, I can just watch the difference, and that is enough right now—I can just assume this is real, because this is all I have.

Worst part is that I know that I am going to come out of this state, even though I cannot make sense right now, and know the difference between the states, I know that this world is going to cough me away reacting to a sudden absorption of smoke into its lungs.

There are times when I don’t like to defend myself and there are times I defend myself passively. Someone would say I am desperate in my search for truth, by whatever means and reasons I would show it to be “truth”. In contrast, I think this dream was always waiting there to be dreamt, as if it knew, that I would need it at some point of time in life, this was how I discovered the difference, between reality and real and unreal (the dream).

I started out to seek something exactly opposite, I sought the perfect and I found the real one, the paradoxical result, now, as I am smoking the saved cigarette, I realize that I cannot inhabit that dream any longer, it is not as much a disappointment as it is a rendezvous with the inner most voices, that keep ringing in my head when I go to sleep day in and day out