When i was 6, i stayed in bhilai(previously in M.P, now chattisgarh, India), i was sent to the neighbours house early in the morning, and i would recite-” Raghu pati raghav raja ram, patit pavan sita ram “. It has to do with hindu sciptures which reflect upon the sanctity of hindu god Ram and his wife sita and that “Ishwar“(reference to god in hindu religion) and “Alla” (reference to god in muslim religion) are just ways of calling the same god in different ways: God is one and uninanimous.
I don’t know how many people are brought up like this : My parents(actually i used to live with the mother’s elder sister, and din’t know till long that she wasn’t my genetic mother) used to take me to gurudwaara, masjid, church as well as hindu temples, whenever we decided to be on a holy trail.

It used to be a sensational experience for me, the Masjids, with their grotesque structures, innate fresh air, venerance penetrated staircases, the gods bed, and the onion shaped domes, just ineffably ecstatic was what i used to feel. I cannot say that i used to feel the same for other holy places in the list, but i always was venerated by them.

i really believed that those gods were driving everything. I felt as if they were friends and would fight with each other and go any lengths to do well for their devotees. Because that is why they were there!!, for taking care of mortals like me. Always feeling that the competition between gods was a healthy one, each one trying to prove how one could serve me and humanity. But then i shifted places(being son of an army personnel) and then, sometimes i used to think that all these gods are different and area wise gods, so i need to forget about each of these gods and the same time be dedicated to each of these localized gods so that i dont loose anything anyone of them can offer at a certain point of time(how often do i use that).

My sense of morality was limited by these gods, that time, i used to feel that they can spy on any mind, so if you’re thinking or doing something bad, they obviously know it, so wrongs and rights were defined by these cooked up gods inside the conscious shades of illusion. Even now, when we think everything has its place and every good has to follow with bad, are we just believing in fate and some kind of divine intervention that is playing chess which has infinite squares and infinite bots?

growing up, i got lost in the abruptness of moments presented by thing called life, i never again conjured up these memories, then, my genetic parents took to me shirdi (the house of god Sai baba) once in a while. I got this in mind that he is the real god. Although i did warn this god about how my allegiance may not last if he doesn’t serve me well, but really speaking through my high school days, i lost faith in him(Sai), and as time went by, i forgot the concept of God all together. After the first Engineering graphics exam, for which i prayed like hell to Sai, moments before the exam started, which ended in me coming out of the exam hall in 30 minutes or so, i questioned his existence. After that, in some impetous moments of pity, i psuedo prayed, just wishing that he was still listening to me- Not to be.

I turned, and i tried to find something more powerful that existed(may be), one who really knows if i am doing well or not, then i was lead to walk in different directions, each of the ideas calling me as if it is the one who knows it all. Sometimes, few moments, few sharp and short stints of blissful times existed and told me that not believing in god is not better than forfeiting the idea of existence of almighty. But as the misery took the throne of my kingdom, my neurons got together and refuted the exitence of god again, it is only now the case, from atheist to agnostic, i travelled and climbed up heaven sometimes and then fell down towards hell and finally decided to give rationality a chance to decide these confusions clouding god.

A quote from somewhere that was buried deep in my diary —

“All that is needed to prove such a negative is to show that the concept in question is meaningless or contradictory. For example, an argument often used against the existence of hypothetical gods is the Argument from Evil. In this case, the evidence is that a god must be omnibenevolent, omniscient and omnipotent, and the fact that evil exists. We do not need to know everything to know that evil exists and compare this with a god’s infinite attributes, and yet it is sufficient to argue strong atheism, because it shows that” gods are incompatible with our universe.

To believe or not to, is not a simple question for those who are cynical all the time, lot of times, we don’t rely on 100% existence of facts or proofs, we just believe and go ahead. So believing non-existence of something doesn’t mean that the idea is a fallacy, it just means we dont care anymore if the idea exists or doesn’t exist. I would still like to believe the thing i used to believe as a 6 year old, but i have just come too far, too far from the mosque, from temples, from ideas, from god and just kept on losing religion after another, concept of God!!!